Seattle, WA

My recent bone density test revealed some deterioration in my hip joints and the doctor advised me to start walking. Swimming, the one form of exercise I actually enjoy, is apparently not so good for strengthening your bones. So, I decided that I should tag along on a walk with Chip.

Man, does 6am roll around early, or what? “Are you ready to go walking?” Chip asked me in his “happy happy” morning voice. I groaned, peered at him with one eye and swung my legs over the bed. I brushed my teeth and my hair, got dressed and off we went.

As we walked along the trail, Chip looked over at me, “you don’t seem happy,” he said. “I’m not awake,” I grumbled. “I envisioned walking along, having pleasant conversations with you,” he said.

Uh, yeah.

“You should try to walk briskly,” advised the Chipenator, chirpily. “Um…for me, this is brisk. Next step is running,” I said, giving him a dirty look.

I walked through about the 6th swarm of gnats, cursing and waving my arms. “I don’t think there are that many gnats,” Chip said, as I flicked one off my arm. “I think you just got creeped out walking through one patch and now you’re imagining them on you.” “I just brushed an imaginary gnat off my arm,” I said dryly.

I began to notice that there were no gnats on his side of the path. “Switch sides with me,” I said, “the gnats are all on my side of the path.” We switched sides. “Or maybe,” he said slyly, “they just aren’t up this high.”

I gave him my laser-beam, skin-melting, if-there-is-a-goddess-in-heaven-you-will-die-now, look. I glanced sideways at him but there he stood, with his shit-eating, “happy happy” morning, garfield smile. Yeah, I always knew there were no real deities. Grrrr…

We passed by other “happy happy” morning people who nodded their heads and said hello. Freaks. “See,” he said accusingly, “other people are nice and pleasant in the morning….unlike you.” “Shut up,” I growled at him. “You’re like some kind of circus master, prodding the tiger with a stick.” “What?” he said, “a 4′11 tiger? I’m not scared.”

Foolish, foolish, man…

“I like being with you,” Chip said, “most of the time.” “You didn’t have to qualify that statement,” I informed him.

We got back to the car, where we’d parked at the rec center. “We walked for 50 minutes,” said Chip, cheerfully. “At a leisurely pace,” he added. I glared at him. “Not for me it wasn’t!”

“I could have enjoyed that walk at a leisurely pace,” I thought to myself, “with my binoculars and my bird book in hand.” I saw lots of great birds. There were cardinals and blue-jays and barn swallows, squirrels and rabbits, too.

Morning people. Who needs ‘em.

I think I’ll go for a swim now.

Filed under: Humor

mornings, suck, exercise, walking, humor

I was at the nail salon getting a manicure a little while ago, when the power went out. Luckily, I was nearly done. I had to dry my nails the manual way. Yes, I blew on them. I couldn’t pay for my manicure because the card reader was out with the power and I don’t do those antiquated check thingies. They know me, though, so they allowed me to leave without promising my first born. Bummer, that, since I can’t have kids anyway. Hmmm…

As I was driving home I came to a stoplight, which, of course, was out. This was not a problem as we yanks revert to the rules of a 4-way stop. This got me to thinking. In England there are no 4-way stops without lights. When the lights go out it’s a dang-scary-free-for-all. No one knows what to do so the person with the most guts rules the road. If one side gets really brazen, the other side may never get a turn. What did they do prior to stoplights? Well, I’m glad you asked about that kids. In England they have roundabouts. If you’ve ever seen European Vacation and you remember that scene where they get stuck in a roundabout in Paris, you’ll have an idea what a roundabout is all about. I’ve been in that particular roundabout in Paris and let me tell you, it is not unlike the movie. Parisians are crazy drivers…but that’s for another story.

While the British are desperately in need of instructions for handling a 4-way stop without lights, Americans either need to begin teaching drivers the “rules of the roundabout” or stop building the darn things in the U.S. They put a roundabout in one of our busy nearby shopping strips and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen people go through them backward. The one-way sign goes unnoticed. I can hardly blame this phenomenon strictly on the stupidity of people in general because, hey…when did anyone ever instruct Americans on how to drive in a roundabout? That’s what I thought…

I got home and the power was also out at the house. Unsurprising since I live just down the road from the nail salon. One can hope, though, right? There are few comforts more important to me than my tea. Arriving home means I turn on my electric kettle and make myself a nice “cuppa”. Alas, no electricity. This, however, is not a problem for SUPERTEAGIRL (TM) for I have a gas grill with a side plate. I dug out my trusty metal tea kettle from the deepest darkest corner of the kitchen, filled it with water and took it outside to the grill. The grill beast did not want to light but I coaxed the fire out of it with my keen err…coaxing skills. At last the burner was lit and the pot was nestled above the glowing flame. I went back inside to gather a cup and as the FATES would have it, the electricity immediately came back on. Not trusting this twist of fate, I put my electric kettle on, but did not remove the other one until this one came to a boil. Finally, cup in hand, my world fell calmly back in place. Ah, Tetley, my one true friend. *happy sigh*

This incident reminded me of an earlier “tea crisis” a few years back. My best friend, Evelyne, was living with us in Atlanta and as it happened we were home one day when a power outage occurred. Being the clever geeky girls that we were, this did not pose a problem…as we had the “grill beast”. We set about making an omelet and tea and we were so darn proud of ourselves we nearly broke our arms patting ourselves on our backs as we feasted on our efforts.

As we languidly sipped a second cup of tea we realized that the house had begun to get quite cold. Freezing, in fact. We decided it might be a good idea to light the fire. So, we gathered the logs and set them up neatly in the fireplace. Yes, indeed, my friends, we were truly “roughing” it. Our old girl scout leaders would have been soooo very proud. As I went to light the fire, out of habit, I turned the key on the side which fed in a little gas to ease the lighting. The flames kicked in nicely. I sat back, beaming at the lovely fire, when suddenly the magnitude of what I’d just done hit me like a ton of bricks. I sat back, stunned. Gas. I looked over at Evelyne, my eyes growing big. She looked back at me, her eyes growing as she began to understand the implications of what had just occurred. A nervous giggle escaped from somewhere inside me. Evelyne sputtered a small giggle. Tears began to trickle down my face as the suppressed laughter bubbled up from within me. Pretty soon we were rolling on the floor clutching our stomachs as we roared with laughter.

Gas. We had gas. There was never a need to coax the grill beast into action. No. We had GAS.

Oh dear. Two clever IT geeks whose combined income was close to $250k a year. Yeah. Real clever.

To make matters worse, Chip arrived home from work and noticed the kettle on the grill. Chip said, “obviously we need a back-up tea plan. I mean, what would we do if we ran out of gas.” Hmmm… I think he was taking the piss, what do you think? Sarky bastard. Harumph. I also suspect he will be blogging the incident.

tea, humor, roundabouts, gas, geek chicks, England, British, Americans

You know that you’re:

A. A Pratchett FanGirl
B. A silly geek girl
C. Headed straight for HELL

or possibly:

D. ALL OF THE ABOVE!

…when you read the morning news that scientists may have discovered why bees are dying en mass and you think to yourself, “I bet Death of Bees is dead tired!” Bad pun intended. What’s the buzz in Discworld? Is Death upset by the swarm of stings on the bee world? Death likes bees, y’know. It’s been said that Death likes bees because the hive mentality does not fear him, which I’m sure is quite refreshing for the Reaper Man.

After freezing bees, grinding them up, extracting the DNA and using genetic sequencing to identify every organism present, researchers have settled upon a little-known virus discovered three years ago in Israel.

*faints* Whew, glad I’m not a bee!

Sadly, there is no break in store for the dear Death of Bees. Scientists may have found the culprit but they’ve yet to find a cure.

Researchers aren’t sure how the virus got to the United States. They don’t know how to cure it. Nor do they know if it alone can account for colony collapse disorder, which has killed tens of billions of bees since last fall.

Sorry, Death of Bees, no holiday for you this year!

Pratchett, Discworld, Death, Bees