How not to get a job in Seattle
Blogging is actually just a part time job until I finally get that call from Google or Microsoft. My problem is that I never seem to get an interview no matter how many jobs I apply for. I have included my resume and a questionnaire I recently filled out for askaninja.com. Please provide me with some input and perhaps even some constructive criticism if you like to live dangerously.
RESUME
Name: Benjamin Leatherwood
Phone: 1-800-BIG-PIMP
Fax: 1-800-FAX-PIMP
E-mail: I_Like_Big_Butts@aol.com
Objective: To make some moneys and meet some honeys
Functional summary: I would like a job at your place because it has air conditioning and my house doesn’t
Employment: 1995 - 1999 West Side Mafia where I was a Distribution Specialist that met a growing demand with a steady supply of goods
Employment: 1990 - 1995 Compton Avenue Crips where I was Security Agent whom threatened, maimed or had coffee with people that didn’t cooperate with family rules or deals
Education: The Old School
References: Rick James, Darryl Strawberry, Nino Brown and OJ
Summary of qualifications: Good with a Crossbow, Loan Sharking, Racketeering, Gang Banging, Beating a Rap, Gardening, Making Potpourri, Self-Taught Hacker and Pimp
Accreditations: Eagle Scout, Union Delegate for the Teamsters
Professional memberships: NRA, Friars Club, BlockBuster
Volunteer experience: Ray Ray’s shoe fund
Languages: Street, Ghetto, Jive, Gangsta, Canadian and Sign
Awards received: JD Power Rated my Corner #1 in Customer Service for Baltimore in 2001
Rookie Pimp of The Year - Las Vegas 1995
Most improved cadet at Space Camp in 1989
Participant ribbon awarded for best pig competition at County Fair 1988
Hobbies: Drinking, lighting my farts on fire, prank calling Kevin Rose. I love water, give me some water, and I’ll find something to do with it!!!!!
Questionnaire:
“What would you do if you were presented with an individual in a confrontational manner?”
Say goodbye to the bad guy
“What attracted you to our company?”
Access to a lot of Social Security Numbers and the cool ninja clothes
“What would your friends say about you?”
Don’t believe anything that those criminals and druggies say
“Why do you feel you are a good candidate for the position?”
I look good in black
“What kind of people do you not work well with?”
Women ninjas, they are so hormonal
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