Seattle, WA

My recent bone density test revealed some deterioration in my hip joints and the doctor advised me to start walking. Swimming, the one form of exercise I actually enjoy, is apparently not so good for strengthening your bones. So, I decided that I should tag along on a walk with Chip.

Man, does 6am roll around early, or what? “Are you ready to go walking?” Chip asked me in his “happy happy” morning voice. I groaned, peered at him with one eye and swung my legs over the bed. I brushed my teeth and my hair, got dressed and off we went.

As we walked along the trail, Chip looked over at me, “you don’t seem happy,” he said. “I’m not awake,” I grumbled. “I envisioned walking along, having pleasant conversations with you,” he said.

Uh, yeah.

“You should try to walk briskly,” advised the Chipenator, chirpily. “Um…for me, this is brisk. Next step is running,” I said, giving him a dirty look.

I walked through about the 6th swarm of gnats, cursing and waving my arms. “I don’t think there are that many gnats,” Chip said, as I flicked one off my arm. “I think you just got creeped out walking through one patch and now you’re imagining them on you.” “I just brushed an imaginary gnat off my arm,” I said dryly.

I began to notice that there were no gnats on his side of the path. “Switch sides with me,” I said, “the gnats are all on my side of the path.” We switched sides. “Or maybe,” he said slyly, “they just aren’t up this high.”

I gave him my laser-beam, skin-melting, if-there-is-a-goddess-in-heaven-you-will-die-now, look. I glanced sideways at him but there he stood, with his shit-eating, “happy happy” morning, garfield smile. Yeah, I always knew there were no real deities. Grrrr…

We passed by other “happy happy” morning people who nodded their heads and said hello. Freaks. “See,” he said accusingly, “other people are nice and pleasant in the morning….unlike you.” “Shut up,” I growled at him. “You’re like some kind of circus master, prodding the tiger with a stick.” “What?” he said, “a 4′11 tiger? I’m not scared.”

Foolish, foolish, man…

“I like being with you,” Chip said, “most of the time.” “You didn’t have to qualify that statement,” I informed him.

We got back to the car, where we’d parked at the rec center. “We walked for 50 minutes,” said Chip, cheerfully. “At a leisurely pace,” he added. I glared at him. “Not for me it wasn’t!”

“I could have enjoyed that walk at a leisurely pace,” I thought to myself, “with my binoculars and my bird book in hand.” I saw lots of great birds. There were cardinals and blue-jays and barn swallows, squirrels and rabbits, too.

Morning people. Who needs ‘em.

I think I’ll go for a swim now.

Filed under: Humor

mornings, suck, exercise, walking, humor